Discernment counseling in Washington & Oregon
Get clear on whether to stay, leave, or try again, in 1 to 5 sessions.
The two of you are stuck at a crossroads. One of you is leaning in, while the other is leaning out.
One of you has a foot out the door, or at least a hand on the knob, and the other is doing everything possible to hold things together. You've probably had the same conversation so many times you could recite both sides, and neither of you is any closer to knowing what to do.
If you're the one leaning out, you may feel guilty and worn down, and you may doubt that more counseling would change anything. If you're the one leaning in, you may be scared to say the wrong thing and tired of feeling like the only person fighting for this. Both of those make sense, and both of you belong here.
Discernment counseling gives you a way to stop circling and decide on purpose. In 1 to 5 sessions you can get clear on whether to stay as you are, move toward separation or divorce, or commit to six months of couples therapy, and you leave with a plan for whichever you choose. I can help you get there. I work with couples online throughout Washington and Oregon, including Portland, and in person at my Seattle office.
What discernment counseling is
Discernment counseling is for couples where one partner is leaning out and the other is leaning in, and for couples where both of you are unsure. Regular couples therapy assumes you're both committed to repairing the relationship, so when one of you is only half in, it tends to stall. You end up doing homework you don't believe in, or you keep circling the same argument.
Discernment counseling starts from where you are today. My job is to help you understand how you got here, what each of you wants, and whether the problems you're facing can be solved. You'll each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you feel about the relationship right now. There are no good guys and bad guys here, just two people stuck in a dance neither of you chose.
You'll come in as a couple, and the most important work happens in the one-on-one conversations with me, because you're starting out in different places. If you're leaning out, I respect your reasons for considering divorce, and I'll also keep the door open to the possibility that the relationship can be restored. If you're leaning in, I'll help you with how painful this is and with what you can control. Each of you will look at your own contribution to the problems and to the possible solutions, which is useful in future relationships even if this one ends.
What I learned sitting on your side of the couch
I went through discernment counseling myself, so I know how scary it is to walk in. My biggest fear going in was that I'd still feel stuck at the end and still have no idea what I wanted.
What I got was clarity about my non-negotiables, the things I needed in a relationship to feel like myself. I also learned that even if my now-ex-husband changed every single thing I had been asking for over the years, I still knew it wasn't the relationship for me. That was hard to see, and it was a relief, because I could finally stop waiting and move forward with my eyes open.
Your answer may look completely different. Some couples walk out recommitted and know exactly why, and others decide to try six months of focused couples therapy. What I can tell you is that living in limbo wears you down, and choosing your next step on purpose gives you some of that energy back.
What the sessions look like
Sessions are generally 2 hours. You and I decide after each session whether to meet again, and the process never goes beyond 5 sessions.
Each session mixes joint time with one-on-one conversations with each of you. After your individual conversation, your partner briefly shares what they took away from theirs, so nobody sits wondering what was said.
Between sessions you each look at your own part in where things are, your honest hopes, and what you would need to see change to feel differently. You leave with something to do, not only something to think about, and by the end you can say what you're choosing, why you're choosing it, and what comes next.
Who it helps, and who it doesn't
Discernment counseling is a strong fit if:
One or both of you is seriously questioning the relationship
You've tried couples therapy and keep hitting the same wall
You want to make this decision on purpose, not out of exhaustion or anger
It is not the right fit if:
One of you has already made a final decision to divorce
One of you is pressuring or coercing the other into attending
There is domestic violence or coercive control, which calls for safety planning and individual support first, and I'm glad to help you find both
Discernment Counseling Overview
Watch this 4.5 minute video to get more information about how discernment counseling might be a better fit for you than couples therapy.
Discernment counseling is a short-term process of 1 to 5 sessions for couples where one or both partners are unsure about staying together. It helps you choose between staying as you are, separating, or committing to six months of couples therapy.
Three possible paths
Discernment counseling helps you choose between three paths:
Stay as you are. Keep the relationship as it is, with no major changes. Some couples choose this deliberately for a season, and it counts as a decision.
Separate or divorce. You make this choice carefully and with a plan, so it does as little damage as possible.
Commit to six months of couples therapy. Divorce is off the table for that time while you both put full effort into the work.
How is Discernment Counseling Different than Couples Therapy?
Session frequency and length
Discernment Counseling is time-limited, typically 1 to 5 sessions.
The initial session is 2 hours and follow up sessions, if needed, are 1.5 to 2 hours.
A decision is made each time about whether to meet again.
Session structure
Sessions are a combination of joint time and one-on-one conversations with each spouse.
After each individual conversation, the partner briefly shares what they took away from their one-on-one time.
Couples therapy and discernment counseling answer different questions. Couples therapy asks how the two of you can do this well, and discernment counseling asks whether you want to do this at all. For a longer comparison, read how discernment counseling is different from couples therapy.
| Discernment counseling | Couples therapy | |
|---|---|---|
| Goal | Helps you decide whether to stay, leave, or try again. | Aims to improve the relationship. |
| Assumes | One or both partners are uncertain. | Both partners are committed to change. |
| Length | 1 to 5 sessions. | Often months or longer. |
| Focus | Understanding how you got here and what each person wants. | Changing patterns and rebuilding connection. |
| Outcome | A clear, chosen direction. | Healthier communication and closeness. |
It’s time for clarity.
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FAQs about discernment counseling
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No. The process can be adapted for non-married couples who see or saw their relationship as lifelong, have children together, or are shocked at the idea of being on the brink of separation. All identities and relationship structures are welcome.
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Discernment counseling is designed to help you make a clear decision with a plan for what comes next. I can't promise which path you'll choose, and I won't steer you toward one. For a list of research about discernment counseling, visit here.
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It fits if one or both of you is seriously questioning the relationship, you want to decide on purpose, and you're both willing to attend. It doesn't fit if one of you has already decided to divorce, if one of you is being pressured to attend, or if there is domestic violence or coercive control. If you're curious, there is a free self-assessment you can take here.
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Usually 1 to 5 sessions. Sessions are generally 2 hours, and we decide together after each one whether to meet again.
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I'm not in-network with insurance companies and I don't bill insurance directly. I'm happy to provide a superbill you can submit for reimbursement. Coverage isn't guaranteed, but sessions may still count toward your deductible and out-of-pocket maximum, so it's worth asking your insurer about out-of-network mental health benefits.
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Both of you attend this process, so the conversation about getting there matters. I wrote about how to approach it in what to do when only one partner wants discernment counseling.
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Book a consult using the button on this page. The initial consultation is $25, and that amount is applied to the cost of your sessions if you decide to move forward. We'll talk through where you are and whether discernment counseling is the right next step for both of you. If either of us decides we're not the best fit, I'm happy to provide you with referrals.
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Yes. I see couples in person in Seattle and online anywhere in Washington and Oregon, so you can choose whichever setting works best for the two of you.
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Discernment counseling isn't the right fit when one of you has made a final decision to divorce, because the work depends on both of you being open to looking at your options. If either of you is still unsure, even a little, that's enough to start.
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Couples therapy asks how the two of you can do this well, and discernment counseling asks whether you want to do this at all. Discernment counseling is short, usually 1 to 5 sessions, and it starts from the fact that one or both of you is unsure. Couples therapy assumes you're both committed to changing things and often runs for months or longer.
Fees and getting started
A 2-hour discernment counseling session is $800, and follow-up sessions are generally 2 hours as well. The initial consultation is $25, and that amount is applied to the cost of your sessions if you decide to move forward. Discernment counseling is not an in-network service. I'm happy to provide a superbill you can submit for reimbursement. Coverage isn't guaranteed, but the cost may still count toward your deductible and out-of-pocket maximum.
To start, book a consult and we'll talk about whether discernment counseling fits where you are. I'll want to hear a little from each of you, and you can ask me anything before you commit to a first session.
About Dr. Amanda Buduris
I'm Amanda Buduris, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist in Washington and Oregon, and I've been working with clients for over 10 years. I earned my Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Iowa State University in 2020, and my work centers on attachment, relationships, and trauma.
My training with couples includes Level 1 training in the Gottman Method, an ICEEFT-approved externship and Core Skills training (Modules 1 to 4) in Emotionally Focused Therapy, and EFT Beyond Core Skills training. I'm a member of the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Portland Center for Emotionally-Focused Therapy, and I keep up with trainings and supervision so I stay current in how I help couples. I also went through discernment counseling myself, so I know how scary it is to walk in.
Keep reading
Couples therapy or discernment counseling: how to tell which you need
What to do when one partner wants discernment counseling and the other doesn't
Whether discernment counseling is the same as divorce counseling
What discernment counseling can and can't do for your relationship
Discernment counseling: how to decide whether to stay, leave, or try again
Discernment Counseling in Seattle, WA
Services also offered virtually throughout Washington & Oregon