When NOT to Go Home for the Holidays
TL;DR: Not going home for the holidays can be a healthy, self-protective decision—especially if family gatherings create more stress than connection, travel feels physically or emotionally exhausting, or your own home feels safer and more grounding. Guilt, obligation, and cultural pressure often make this choice feel “wrong,” but trauma-informed therapy can help you clarify what’s actually best for your nervous system. Therapy intensives, in particular, can support boundary-setting, guilt release, and emotional regulation. If you live in Washington or Oregon, you can schedule a consultation to explore support.
The Question No One Likes to Ask
There’s an unspoken rule in our culture that going home for the holidays is simply what you do. It’s framed as a moral obligation rather than a choice—something tied to being a “good” child, partner, or family member.
But many adults quietly dread the holidays. They feel anxious weeks in advance, emotionally depleted afterward, or stuck replaying old family dynamics they thought they had outgrown. If that’s you, the real question may not be “How do I survive going home?” but “Is going home actually supportive for me?”
From a trauma-informed lens, opting out of a holiday visit isn’t avoidance or selfishness. Sometimes, it’s wisdom.
The Myth That You’re Supposed to Go Home
Cultural narratives around holidays are powerful. Movies, social media, and family traditions often reinforce the idea that being together—no matter the cost—is what makes the season meaningful.
What this narrative leaves out is that not all families are safe, supportive, or emotionally attuned. For many people, “home” is associated with:
criticism or judgment
emotional caretaking
unresolved conflict
boundary violations
feeling unseen, unheard, or misunderstood
When trauma is part of your family history, going home can activate old survival strategies like fawning, freezing, or shutting down.
That’s not a personal failure—it’s your nervous system doing what it learned to do.
When Family Is a Greater Source of Tension Than Joy
One of the clearest signs that not going home might be the healthier choice is when family gatherings consistently create more distress than connection.
You might notice:
anxiety or dread building weeks before the visit
immediate regression into old family roles
pressure to tolerate behavior that hurts you
emotional exhaustion that lasts long after you return
For many trauma survivors, family interactions require constant self-monitoring—watching what you say, managing others’ emotions, or bracing for criticism. If the cost of connection is self-abandonment, it’s worth questioning whether that’s a fair price to pay.
Discomfort isn’t a sign that you’re weak or “too sensitive.” It’s information.
When Your Own Home Feels Safer Than Your Childhood Home
For many adults, especially those with trauma histories, the safest place they’ve ever known is the home they created for themselves.
Your current home may represent:
autonomy
predictability
emotional regulation
rest without performance
In contrast, returning to your family home might trigger hypervigilance, emotional shutdown, or a loss of self. Choosing to stay in your own space—where your nervous system can relax—is not indulgent. It’s regulating.
Quiet holidays can be deeply healing, even if they don’t match the picture of what holidays “should” look like.
The Guilt That Often Follows This Decision
Even when not going home feels like the right choice, guilt often shows up immediately.
Common thoughts include:
“I’m being selfish.”
“I’ll regret this someday.”
“I’m hurting them.”
“This makes me a bad son/daughter.”
From a trauma perspective, guilt is frequently a learned response—not a moral compass. Many adults were conditioned to prioritize others’ comfort over their own safety, and guilt is the mechanism that kept them compliant.
A helpful reframe: guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It often means you’re doing something new.
How (and Whether) to Communicate Your Choice
You’re not obligated to explain your decision in detail. Oversharing often invites debate rather than understanding.
Simple, boundary statements are enough:
“I’m staying home this year.”
“Travel doesn’t work for me this holiday.”
“I’m prioritizing rest this season.”
If someone pushes back, repeating your statement calmly is usually more effective than justifying it. You’re allowed to protect your energy—even if others don’t fully understand.
How Trauma Therapy Helps With Holiday Decisions
Trauma therapy offers a space to slow down and ask: What is actually driving this decision—fear, guilt, obligation, or values?
Therapy can help you:
untangle guilt from responsibility
recognize trauma responses like fawning or freezing
clarify boundaries without self-doubt
process grief around family relationships
strengthen trust in your own judgment
Rather than forcing a “right” answer, trauma therapy supports you in making decisions that align with your nervous system and long-term well-being.
Why Therapy Intensives Can Be Especially Helpful
Therapy intensives are particularly effective for family-of-origin and holiday-related work because they allow for deep, focused processing without the stop-and-start nature of weekly therapy.
In an intensive, clients can:
process holiday-specific triggers using EMDR or Brainspotting
work through guilt and obligation stored in the body
grieve unmet attachment needs
practice boundary language in a supportive space
leave feeling more grounded and confident in their choices
For many people, intensives provide clarity and relief that has felt out of reach for years.
Learn more about therapy intensives here.
Takeaways
Not going home for the holidays can be a powerful, healing choice. Family obligation does not outweigh emotional safety, and tradition does not require self-abandonment.
Choosing rest, peace, or distance isn’t avoidance—it’s discernment. And sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is listen to what your nervous system has been telling you all along.
Looking for a trauma therapist in Seattle who specializes in nervous system support around the holidays?
Take the first step toward releasing guilt, setting boundaries, and finding peace during the holiday season.
About the author
Amanda Buduris, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist is a licensed therapist with over 10 years of experience supporting clients in Seattle, Washington. She specializes in trauma recovery, couples therapy, and attachment-focused work, and uses evidence-based approaches like EMDR, Brainspotting, IFS, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help clients heal from past trauma, improve relationship dynamics, and build emotional resilience. At PNW Psychological Wellness, she is committed to providing compassionate, expert care both in-person and online for clients across Washington, Oregon, and 42 other states through PSYPACT.
