Empowering Assertiveness: Setting Boundaries in Anxious Attachment Relationships
When you struggle with anxious attachment, relationships can feel like walking a tightrope—constantly worrying about how others perceive you and what you need to do to keep them close. Often, the idea of setting boundaries feels terrifying. What if they pull away? What if they leave? But here’s the truth: healthy boundaries don’t push people away—they create space for safety, authenticity, and mutual respect.
Empowering assertiveness is about finding your voice, expressing your needs clearly and kindly, and giving yourself permission to take up space in your relationships.
In this blog, we’ll explore what it means to be assertive when you have anxious attachment, why boundary-setting is so difficult (and so important), and how trauma-informed therapy can help you become more confident in your relationships.
What Is Empowering Assertiveness?
Empowering assertiveness is the ability to communicate your needs, limits, and feelings directly and respectfully. It's not about being aggressive or demanding—it's about honoring your needs while still being mindful of others. For individuals with anxious attachment, assertiveness can feel risky. You're used to prioritizing others, tiptoeing around potential conflict, or sacrificing your own comfort to keep the peace.
But here’s the reframe: assertiveness is actually a relationship strength. It helps prevent resentment, miscommunication, and emotional burnout. It lays the foundation for honest connection and trust.
Examples of Setting Boundaries in Anxious Attachment Relationships
Let’s paint a few pictures of what empowering assertiveness might look like:
Instead of texting your partner repeatedly when they don’t respond right away, you pause, take a breath, and send a single message expressing your desire for communication: “Hey, I get anxious when I don’t hear back. Can we talk about a rhythm that works for both of us?”
When a friend frequently unloads their stress on you without asking how you’re doing, you respond with: “I really care about you, but I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. Can we check in with each other more mutually?”
If your partner jokes about something that actually hurts your feelings, you gently but clearly say: “That didn’t feel funny to me—it felt hurtful. I’d like to talk about it.”
These moments may feel uncomfortable at first, but they are powerful steps toward building relational trust and honoring your emotional safety.
Common Challenges for Anxious Attachments in Setting Boundaries
People with anxious attachment often experience internal resistance to boundary-setting. These challenges are rooted in early relational experiences, but they are also completely valid and workable:
Fear of Rejection: You might believe that setting a boundary means the other person will get upset, leave, or stop loving you.
Guilt: You might feel selfish or mean for asking for what you need, especially if you've been taught to prioritize others over yourself.
Conflict Avoidance: You're used to keeping the peace and avoiding potential arguments at all costs.
Difficulty Identifying Needs: When you’re focused on everyone else’s emotions, it’s hard to tune into your own.
Over-Apologizing: Even when you do assert yourself, you might cushion your request so much that the message gets lost.
These are not character flaws—they're survival strategies that once helped you stay safe. The goal is to gently unlearn what no longer serves you and build new patterns that support your well-being.
How Assertiveness Impacts Well-Being and Relationships
Learning to be assertive has ripple effects throughout your life.
Emotionally, it can reduce anxiety, strengthen self-esteem, and boost your sense of autonomy. In relationships, it leads to clearer communication, more balanced dynamics, and deeper connection.
When you're able to express your needs and limits, you stop relying on mind-reading, stop bottling things up, and stop operating from a place of fear. Instead, you show up more fully—more grounded, more open, and more connected to who you really are.
And here's the thing: when you're used to people-pleasing or shrinking yourself, assertiveness might feel unfamiliar, even scary. But over time, it gets easier. The more you practice, the more you realize that people who truly care about you will respect your boundaries—and that those who don’t might not be the safest people to invest in anyway.
How Trauma Therapies Like Brainspotting and Couples Therapy Can Help
If boundary-setting feels impossible or terrifying, trauma therapy can be a game-changer.
Specifically:
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps reprocess distressing memories that may be fueling your fear of abandonment or rejection. By desensitizing these triggers, EMDR makes it easier to advocate for yourself without feeling like your world will collapse.
Brainspotting helps you access the deeper parts of your brain where attachment wounds and emotional memories are stored. If you freeze up, shut down, or panic when trying to speak your needs, it’s not just in your head—your nervous system is involved. Brainspotting allows you to process these stuck responses, so you can engage in relationships with more calm, clarity, and confidence.
Anxious attachment doesn’t have to be something you face alone.
Couples therapy, especially approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), helps partners understand each other’s attachment needs and create safer, more responsive dynamics. In a supportive setting, you can learn to set boundaries, repair communication ruptures, and grow your connection together.
Takeaways
Empowering assertiveness isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being real. It’s about noticing when fear is steering the ship and choosing to gently course-correct. Whether you’re just beginning to name your needs or practicing new ways of expressing them, know that healing is possible.
You can learn to set boundaries without fear of abandonment. You can be both assertive and loved. You can show up fully—and be met with respect.
If you’re looking for trauma-informed support to help you strengthen your voice and your relationships, I offer Brainspotting, EMDR, and couples therapy for clients in Oregon and Washington.
Looking to connect with a trauma therapist in Seattle who specializes in anxious attachment and building assertiveness?
Take your first step towards setting clear boundaries and confidently expressing your needs.
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual Brainspotting sessions in Oregon and Washington. In-person services are available for therapy intensives only. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
