Relationships can bring us immense joy, connection, and meaning—but they can also stir up fear, doubt, and insecurity, especially if you struggle with anxious attachment. As a therapist specializing in trauma recovery, I often work with individuals who find themselves caught in the exhausting cycle of relationship anxiety.

This kind of attachment-related stress doesn’t mean something is "wrong" with you. It usually means there’s an old wound that needs healing.

In this blog post, we’ll explore what anxious attachment is, what it can look and feel like, and how it affects relationships. We'll also talk about practical coping strategies, as well as how therapies like EMDR and Brainspotting can help you build more secure, grounded connections. For those in partnerships, we’ll also touch on how couples therapy can be a powerful space for healing together.

What Relationship Anxiety Might Look Like

Anxious attachment can show up in a variety of ways, many of which are rooted in fear of loss or disconnection.

Some common examples include:

Constantly checking your partner’s texts or social media for signs of disinterest or distancing.
Feeling panic when a partner takes longer than usual to respond.
Over-apologizing or avoiding conflict to prevent a partner from pulling away.
Feeling like you're "too much" or "too needy."
Frequently asking for reassurance but still doubting the answers you receive.
Becoming preoccupied with whether the relationship is "okay" or if you're being loved enough.

I’ve worked with many clients navigating these feelings, and it’s always powerful to see the shift that can happen when we start untangling those patterns. Healing is absolutely possible—and worth the effort.

Coping Strategies for Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment can be challenging — but it’s absolutely something you can work through. With intention, practice, and support, you can learn to manage your relationship anxiety and create healthier dynamics.

Here are a few effective strategies:

1. Name What You're Feeling

Simply acknowledging your emotions can help defuse their power. When you notice anxiety rising, try saying to yourself: "I’m feeling anxious right now because this situation is triggering my fear of abandonment." This gives you space to respond with intention rather than react out of fear.

2. Develop a Grounding Practice

Grounding techniques can help regulate your nervous system in moments of distress. Some options include:

Deep breathing (try box breathing: inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4).
Putting your feet on the floor and focusing on physical sensations.
Naming five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, etc.

3. Challenge Negative Thoughts

People with anxious attachment often carry beliefs like "I’m too needy," or "They’re going to leave me." These thoughts usually come from past wounds, not current truth.

Practice questioning your assumptions. Ask: "What evidence do I have for this fear?" and "What else might be true?"

4. Self-Soothing and Inner Child Work

Learning to comfort yourself is essential. Try writing a letter to your younger self, or keeping a list of comforting phrases like, "I am safe. I am loved. I am not alone." The more you learn to meet your own emotional needs, the less you'll rely on your partner to regulate your nervous system.

5. Communicate Clearly and Gently

Rather than acting out of fear (e.g., texting 10 times in a row), express your needs calmly. Try saying: "I’ve noticed I feel anxious when we don’t talk before bed. Could we set up a quick check-in call on those nights?" Healthy relationships are built on honest communication—and it’s okay to ask for what helps you feel safe.

6. Build a Life Outside the Relationship

trauma therapy seattle wa — **Nurture friendships, hobbies, and self-care routines that don’t revolve around your partner.**

When you have a strong sense of self outside the relationship, you feel more secure within it.

How EMDR and Brainspotting Can Help

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a trauma-focused therapy that helps people process and resolve distressing memories that may be contributing to current anxiety.

If your anxious attachment is rooted in early relational trauma—like emotional neglect, inconsistent caregiving, or abandonment—EMDR can help you revisit and reprocess those memories in a way that reduces their emotional charge.

Brainspotting is another powerful modality that targets the brain regions where trauma is stored. Through guided eye positioning and attunement, Brainspotting helps individuals access and release emotional pain that has become "stuck" in the nervous system. It's especially helpful when traditional talk therapy doesn't quite reach the depth of the trauma.

Both approaches help rewire the brain to respond with more calm, clarity, and confidence in relationships.

The Role of Couples Therapy

If you’re in a relationship and anxious attachment is creating tension, couples therapy can be an incredibly helpful space for healing. A skilled therapist can help you:

Understand each other's attachment styles and how they play out.
Learn tools for emotional regulation and co-regulation.
Improve communication, especially around sensitive topics.
Create shared rituals of connection to build trust and safety.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), in particular, is an evidence-based approach that helps couples develop secure emotional bonds and repair patterns that keep them feeling stuck.

If you’re looking for a faster track to healing your relationship, check out my EFT-based couples therapy intensives!

Takeaways

If you resonate with this, know that your feelings are valid—and you’re not alone. Anxious attachment can make relationships feel like an emotional rollercoaster, but with the right support and strategies, you can find more balance and confidence in how you show up with others.

If you’re ready to explore how therapy can support your healing, I offer EMDR, Brainspotting, and trauma-informed care for individuals and couples in Oregon and Washington.

Looking to connect with a trauma therapist who can help you manage your anxious attachment style?

Take your first step in building secure, healthy relationships.

BOOK NOW

(Oregon & Washington residents only)

brainspotting therapist seattle — About the author

Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual Brainspotting sessions in Oregon and Washington. In-person services are available for therapy intensives only. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.