Are Attachment Styles Permanent?
TL;DR: Attachment styles aren’t fixed traits—they’re flexible strategies your mind and body use to navigate relationships. By understanding these strategies and practicing secure responses, especially through trauma-informed approaches like Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT), you can shift patterns and build deeper, more connected relationships. Real change happens when you actively engage in therapy with a trained professional.
If you’ve ever read about attachment styles, you’ve probably come across the idea that you’re “stuck” as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized forever. Maybe you’ve blamed yourself for patterns in your relationships, feeling like you’re hardwired to repeat the same dynamics over and over.
But recent research in attachment theory suggests a more hopeful perspective: what we often think of as “attachment styles” are actually attachment strategies—behaviors our minds and bodies develop to stay safe and connect with others. This distinction matters because it opens the door to growth, healing, and more secure connections.
What Are Attachment Styles (and Why They Aren’t Permanent)
Attachment theory traditionally categorizes individuals into four main styles:
Secure: Comfortable with intimacy, balanced independence, and expressing needs.
Anxious: Hyper-focused on connection, often worried about being abandoned.
Avoidant: Prioritizes independence, withdraws when emotions get intense.
Disorganized: Conflicted behaviors, alternating between seeking and avoiding closeness.
These labels can feel fixed—but the reality is that they describe strategies people develop to navigate relationships, particularly in response to early life experiences and trauma.
For example, someone with an anxious attachment strategy might text their partner repeatedly when worried about being forgotten, while someone with an avoidant strategy might withdraw or shut down under stress. These behaviors aren’t permanent—they’re adaptive patterns meant to protect us, and they can be reshaped over time with insight, practice, and support.
Why the Shift from “Style” to “Strategy” Matters
Understanding attachment behaviors as strategies rather than fixed traits is powerful for several reasons:
Reduces self-blame: Your patterns are not flaws—they’re learned strategies that once kept you safe.
Empowers growth: If they’re strategies, you can learn more secure ways of relating.
Improves relationships: Recognizing your partner’s strategies fosters compassion and reduces conflict.
Instead of thinking, “I’m doomed to be anxious forever,” you can start to ask, “What strategies am I using to feel safe, and how could I respond more securely?”
How You Can Shift Toward Secure Attachment
Trauma-informed therapy and EFT provide a framework for identifying your strategies, practicing secure responses, and processing the emotions driving your behaviors.
→ Identifying Attachment Strategies in Real-Time
The first step is noticing your patterns. Are you pulling away when conflict arises? Seeking constant reassurance? EFT helps couples observe these dynamics safely and without judgment, which is the foundation for change.
→ Practicing Secure Responses
Once patterns are identified, therapy provides a structured environment to try new behaviors. Examples include:
Expressing needs directly: Instead of withdrawing or demanding reassurance, partners learn to state their needs clearly and calmly.
Responding empathetically: Instead of reacting defensively, partners learn to reflect back what they hear and validate emotions.
Repairing ruptures: EFT guides couples through moments of disconnection, teaching strategies to reconnect after conflict.
Example: An anxious-avoidant couple might work on slowing down interactions. When the anxious partner texts repeatedly, the avoidant partner practices responding without withdrawing, and the anxious partner practices self-soothing while waiting for a reply. Over time, both partners feel safer and more understood.
→ Processing Past Trauma
Attachment strategies often stem from early experiences, including neglect, inconsistency, or emotional trauma. EFT provides a safe space to explore these influences, process underlying pain, and learn to respond in healthier ways.
Example: A partner who experienced emotional neglect in childhood may struggle to express vulnerability. EFT exercises allow them to practice vulnerability in a controlled environment while their partner responds empathetically, building trust and emotional safety.
→ Reinforcing New Patterns Through Repetition
Developing secure attachment strategies requires practice. EFT encourages couples to:
Check in regularly about emotional states.
Practice vulnerability and active listening outside of sessions.
Use structured exercises to reinforce new ways of connecting.
Through repeated practice, what once felt unnatural becomes a reliable part of your relational toolkit.
Common Misconceptions About Changing Attachment Strategies
Even with this understanding, many people feel stuck. Some common myths include:
“I’m doomed if I’m anxious or avoidant.” Strategies are learned, not permanent.
“My partner can’t change.” With empathy, guidance, and practice, both partners can shift patterns.
“Therapy is just talking.” EFT provides actionable interventions and practice opportunities for real-time behavioral change.
Recognizing these myths helps couples approach therapy with openness and hope.
Real-Life Example of Change
Consider a couple where one partner has an anxious attachment strategy and the other an avoidant strategy.
Before therapy: Arguments escalate quickly, with the anxious partner chasing closeness and the avoidant partner withdrawing.
During therapy: The therapist helps each partner understand their strategy and the underlying emotions driving it. They practice secure responses, like pausing before reacting, expressing needs clearly, and validating emotions.
After therapy: The couple experiences fewer escalations, more empathy, and a sense of emotional safety. They learn to rely on secure strategies even outside of the therapy room.
This example shows that attachment strategies can shift, even when patterns have been long-standing.
Why Trauma-Informed Couples Therapy Makes a Difference
Trauma-informed EFT focuses not only on behaviors but also on the underlying emotional experiences:
Considers trauma histories: Past wounds influence current attachment strategies.
Prioritizes emotional safety: Both partners can express vulnerability without fear of escalation.
Supports emotional regulation: Techniques help couples stay connected during conflict rather than defaulting to anxious or avoidant strategies.
By reshaping emotional interactions, EFT fosters secure attachment patterns that are sustainable and meaningful.
Practical Tips for Moving Toward Secure Attachment
While therapy is the most effective tool for meaningful change, there are strategies you can start practicing now:
Observe your patterns: Notice when you feel anxious, withdrawn, or reactive.
Communicate needs clearly: Use “I feel” statements rather than blame or assumptions.
Offer and seek reassurance appropriately: Learn the balance of giving and receiving validation.
Reflect on triggers: Identify past experiences or beliefs that activate your strategies.
Practice vulnerability gradually: Share small, meaningful emotions and notice your partner’s response.
Takeaways
Attachment strategies aren’t fixed traits—they’re flexible patterns we learn over time. By noticing how we show up in relationships and practicing more secure ways of responding, we can start to build healthier connections. With the guidance and emotional safety that Emotionally-Focused Therapy provides, and with repeated practice in a trauma-informed space, partners can reconnect, process emotions, and gradually shift toward secure attachment strategies that last.
Looking for a couples therapist in Seattle who specializes in attachment and Emotionally-Focused Therapy?
Take your first step towards secure attachment and healthier relationships.
About the author
Amanda Buduris, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist is a licensed therapist with over 10 years of experience supporting clients in Seattle, Washington. She specializes in trauma recovery, couples therapy, and attachment-focused work, and uses evidence-based approaches like EMDR, Brainspotting, IFS, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help clients heal from past trauma, improve relationship dynamics, and build emotional resilience. At PNW Psychological Wellness, she is committed to providing compassionate, expert care both in-person and online for clients across Washington, Oregon, and 42 other states through PSYPACT.
